Dead Parents

So the past few days has been filled with all sorts of fun things. we decided since Heidi keeps staining her burp towels/ cloth diapers all sorts of interesting colors that we would tie dye them so that it would not stand out as much.... it worked, for the most part you cannot tell where she spit up/excreted all sorts of substances of various colors.
That however is not what has kept us from taking millions of photos and posting weird sleep deprived blogs, it is the fact that little Heidi has hit a growth spurt, during daytime hrs she eats about every hr on the hr, at night time it is every two hrs. Charlie has insisted that I get a fullish type night sleep that is at least five hrs. But Heidi is just chugging along, every hr today she has had 2 oz of breast milk. I am losing sleep in trying to keep up with little Heidi's demanding tummy, so as a consequence to my health failing we are in accord to bottle feed her formula.... not happy about it but knowing that it needs to be done. It is so hard it feels as though I am a failure as a mother, not being able to do what most mothers can easily do. I know that lots of people I know formula feed and they are not bad mothers but I feel as though I need to do the very best for my baby. It seemed at the hospital that everyone breast feeds and anyone who can't is a bad mother, I kept trying but the baby has a hard time doing it. We have been trying to do pumped milk in bottles, but it is too hard for me to pump then feed, then change, then rock to sleep. No one told me what recovery was supposed to be like, the soreness, the itching, the head aches, the flu like symptoms the bleeding slowing down then speeding up. I had never known I could cry over dropping a burp towel but I can and have. No one told me what bonding with a baby was all about, I thought that once they were out that they would connect with you and there would be lots of love shared. It is that way with Heidi but there are so many doubts.