Saturday, April 30, 2016

Life After NICU - I'm Going To Break That Machine!!

Anastasia's growth this week: 

Weight: 2322 Grams!! (Was 2270 Grams)
Length: 44.5 Centimeters  
(Was 44 Centimeters)
Age: 11 weeks old 
(Should be 38 weeks gestation)

If you thought bringing a newborn is hard try adding medical equipment to it. Then throw in a toddler, sleep derivation due to the monitors and you have my day today. Our living room and bedroom look like the NICU with all the gadgets. Yet, I'm so relieved that she's home and all three kids are home together. 
Char returns to his crazy schedule tomorrow and I have no idea when I'm going to get more then a few hours' nap here and there. I know the medical things but it's nice having a nurse in the house. Oh this is going to be interesting to say the least. I want to sleep, clean, hold the baby, play with Rory, read with Heidi, spend time with Char all at the same time. Char says it's all about time management and balance. It's just going to take time to find that balance. 

I've decided to treat this as a journal. It's easier to type and later print this then try to hand write everything. Besides, paper doesn't have spell check (yet) and I need that when sleep deprived.  

I've learned not to respond the the alarms until it beeps more then 4 times. Less then 4 just means she's wiggling. Anastasia has days and nights mixed up (I think all babies do). Last night was good, we got to sleep for 4 hour spaces before she got up. 
Feeding her is a little hard, She has to have a medication mixed in with every bottle. So we make a small bottle and feed her when she's super hungry and doesn't care about the taste. By the time she realizes the rouse she gets a real bottle. Yeap, we make two bottles at each feeding. 

Rory thinks of Anastasia as a toy. He likes to tap her on the head and try to pull on her oxygen and monitor cords. After a while he just goes back and plays by himself. He's starting to walk too! He can cruise just fine but he seems to lack the desire to walk.I swear he thinks "Why walk when crawling gets me there just as fast?". But now he's taking steps, almost as if he now thinks "I'm not the baby anymore, sigh, guess I'll walk." 

Tonight is the first night Char is back at work and I'm home alone with Anastasia. Char's mom came over to visit Anastasia and to take Rory for the night, which helps out a lot. Tomorrow Anastasia has her appointment with her pediatrician, we'll see how she's doing.
Wish me luck tonight. 

PS. Washer broke, off to a good start. 

ARRRGGGG!!! I'm going to kill those monitors! They keep going off even when everything is fine. It kept me up when Anastasia Sonia Rose wasn't. She kept me up for three hours straight. If I put her down she'd cry and cry. To say the least very little sleep last night.

Today I took Anastasia to the pediatrician. It was quite the feat, I packed her monitor and a small O2 tank into a hiking backpack. I carried that around while holding her in the car seat. I even held it while we weighed her. Apparently, Anastasia is tiny for even her gestational age. 3rd percentile for weight and 5th for length.  It took nearly an hour to review everything with the pediatrician. She wants to see Anastasia once a week until she's 4 months old just due to all her issues. 
Then I meet up with Char's mom at a gas station to pick up Rory. Then began the long drive back home with 2 screaming babies. Once home, I tried juggling medical equipment, 7 year old, a 1 year old, and a newborn. 

This would be easier if I didn't have these cords tethering me down. It's not like I can carry Anastasia over to where Rory is playing / getting into things and just pick him up or play along side him. But I have to put her down, get settled, and then get Rory. 
Or feeding her, which is 40 mls every 2 hours. I have to mix two bottles for her and a bottle for him. I put Rory in a play pen, give him a bottle and settled. Then I get her, feed her the medicine bottle, followed by the real bottle. Then hold her upright for at least 30 minutes while Rory is realizing she's getting cuddles and starts to cry for the remaining 29 minutes.
Which also means I'm living off of 90 minutes naps at night. 
This is just a phase, right? Right?

Last night was scary. I had to switch oxygen tanks by myself for the first time. I did something wrong,the tank made a loud HISS sound, her alarms went off, and her stats started dropping quickly down to the 50s, then she became a bit on the blue side. I forgot Char was working and screamed "Char, HELP!"  so loud that it woke up Rory and Heidi. When I remembered he was at work, I texted Char pleading with him to call.Mean while trying to Goggle "How to switch O2 tanks". Char called and walked me though it. 

Poor Heidi was scared to death and was worried Anastasia might die. She was weeping saying "I love Anastasia, she's so cute I don't want her to die!! I just got a sister, I don't want to lose her! I only got to hold her once!" I calmed her down, calmed down Rory, then took time to settle my nerves. 

Wednesday, April 27, 2016

What's In a Name Part 3

I started this with Heidi Anne, where I explain the meanings and reasons why we named our children the way we did. Now it's Anastasia Sonia Rose's turn. 

I wanted her name to start with an "A" like Heidi's real name, Adeliede. I have just loved the name Anastasia (which means Rebirth /Resurrection). We poured through baby books and online trying different names but I kept going back to Anastasia. I also love the stories of Czar Nicholas II youngest daughter Anastasia. She was a tomboy who didn't let a leg deformity slow her down. I guess I just admire that strength of character.  

Sonia means wisdom. But mainly Sonia is after my Granny, Corporal Sonia Ann May. It just seemed right since Anastasia was born on my Granddad's birthday. Granny was married to my Granddad for nearly 60 years. When I think of loving lasting relationships I always think of them. I remember being 18 and visiting them, if my Granddad and I went into town he would always bring her back a little treat, just as he had always done for decades. I just wanted a way to bring the two together for that special day. 


The Sonia Rose (my Granny's favorite rose) is why we added rose to her name. It's a light pink rose which symbolizes grace, elegance, sweetness and gentleness. To me a rose is pretty yet has a "don't mess with me" nature about it. 

Heidi thinks it's Rose from Doctor Who. Which is a good character to emulate, however, that's not why we named her Rose. Just in case she tells you that. 

Tuesday, April 26, 2016

NICU Journey Week 11 - NICU Grad

Anastasia's growth this week: 

Weight: 2270 Grams!! (Was 2065 Grams)
Length: 44 Centimeters  
(Was 44 Centimeters)
Age: 11 weeks old 
(Should be 38 weeks gestation)

Today Char came down to visit Anastasia with me. Mostly because I was afraid to drive. I nodded off
while driving last time and it really scared me to make such along drive again. I ran off the road. No one was hurt but it was super scary. 
She heard my voice!!
Anyways, we all went down. My baby is tube free!! They took out her feeding tube and has been eating all on her own for 48 hours! She's also their senior baby currently (the baby that's been in the NICU for the longest amount of time). She was extremely alert today! She kept looking everywhere and following sounds with her eyes, she's never done that around me before! 

She's been eating for 48 hours so she should be coming home anytime now, right? Wrong. As is with NICU life there always seems to be a catch. That catch is she can't have a heart episode that requires intervention for 5-7 days. So she's on track to come home Monday! As long as she passes her hearing test and her car seat test. The car seat test is where they have to keep their heart rate and oxygen up while sitting in a car seat. 

Char took Rory for a walk while I cuddled Anastasia and went to rounds then we switched. Rory really enjoyed his little stroll outside with Daddy. He tolerated indoor time with me.
UG!!! The NICU just called and her eye doctor isn't on board with her coming home Monday. He is going to visit her tomorrow to see how her eyes are doings. I think they are worse off then we were initially told. If they are any worse she can't come home Monday. She'll need treatment (whatever that may be) before she can be released. Char says what's the worst that can happen, they treat her? But I just want her home. (Maybe it's that drive scare). 

Yeah, she passed her hearing test and the eye exam today. She still has ROP but it hasn't worsened to the point where they want to keep her at the hospital. She just has to come back for an appointment in a week. Then we'll go from there. Pray it resolves or doesn't need treatment. 
It's really happening! I'm so nervous and excited for her to come home. We're getting everything prepared and ready to bring our little Anastasia home. Trying to get caught up / ahead on chores because having a newborn preemie and a 13 month old toddler is going to be hectic! Anything I can do to get ready for Monday the better. 

Oh My Gosh!! I am so nervous and excited at the same time. By this time tomorrow she could be home! I was in such a rush to try to clean things up because I'll be to tired tomorrow and I jammed my finger. 

Today started out by my friend Amber watching Rory for us. which was a good thing because the whole discharge process took over 8 hours. As soon as she and rory left we headed to go get Anastasia's O2 tanks and pulseometer (which measures her heart rate and her O2 saturation). Char and I cope by making jokes and general humor. While we were reviewing how the tanks work we tried to tease the trainer, to say the least she was not amused. 
Then we made the most anxiously filled drive to the hospital. I kept expecting a phone call saying she had an episode and couldn't be discharged. Or that her ECG came back with bad news (it came back with tachycardia which is no big). We went to McDonalds for a quick bite to eat. Where they made an order error, in our favor. Never had that happen before.   

The time at the hospital as a long day of hurry up and wait. After 75 days of being in the NICU Anastasia was released from the hospital today. I am so drained.

She's 75 days old and I'm trying to learn everything about this tiny human. She's on O2 and monitors (which go off at the worst times). Now beings the real trail, life after NICU. No more teams of nurses, doctors, APRNs, computer system reminders. Just Char, me, the kids and our memory.   

P.S I HATE the stupid O2 monitor. I swear it alarms when nothing is wrong. It's like "Just letting you know everything is fine, thought you would like to wake up and be notified." 
Rory's Footprint versus  Anastasia's Footprint

Thursday, April 21, 2016

NiCU Journey Week 10 - Heart Stopped, Crazy Week!!

Anastasia's growth this week: 
Weight: 2065 Grams!! (Was 1880 Grams)
Length: 44 Centimeters  
(Was 42 Centimeters)
Age: 10 weeks old 
(Should be 37 weeks gestation)

Today was a sick day in the house. Everyone had a stomach bug (but Rory), which makes me think it was something the 3 of us ate, since he didn't get it. Char had it the worse and somehow managed to push through work. (Someone's got to pay the bills). This resulted in us being unable to visit our little lady. 

Today Anastasia got her 2 month immunizations and a special shot called Synagis. This helps prevent RSV (even though the season is nearly over, tiny preemies like Anastasia are at risk year round). They tend to give it when you are closer to going home. Yeah! 

Today the Nurse Practitioner called with good news. Anastasia took 65% of her feeding by mouth! She tolerated her shots well. She's finally in the 50% percentile in weight for 37 weeks gestation. She said at this rate Anastasia could be home in a week.Now that's a guesstimate, but a good one!! Happy Dance!

We got a new car seat for Rory so Anastasia can have his. Now Anastasia can do the car seat test (another step to going home). We also got her a sweet girly bassinet that we've been saving up for. Our plan is that she can sleep in our room for awhile, that way we can monitor her alarms and oxygen tank. 

We had a fun family outing to the store. It'll be awhile before the whole family can hang out like that again. I guess we're just starting to really get ready for Anastasia to finally come home. I know it could be longer than a week, but it's exciting to think about and plan for. 

Moment of honesty here. I'm worried and excited about her coming home. I'm worried I won't have doctors on hand 24/7. I fear she won't eat for me and lose weight. I'm nervous she'll get sick and end up back at the hospital. I worry that I'll forget everything I've learned being a mom. 

I just found out that Anastasia has taken a sudden turn for the worst. Her heart has gone into asystole (meaning her heart stopped beating and flat lined) 4 times over night. So far the nurses just had to wake her up, flick her feet to help stimulate her heart again. We're waiting for the doctor to see her to get some ideas as to why this is happening. 

This is called the NICU roller coaster. You go up, like yesterday where we were planning on her coming home soon and getting everything ready. Then down, to where the baby's heart stops for no apparent reason and you think I could have lost my baby girl while I was sleeping.Char says it's a good thing this happened at a hospital instead of at home. We might not have noticed her heart stopped. 

Oh this is scary. I want to wake up Char but he just feel asleep after a 12 hour shift. 

How can I put into words the anguish and relief we've gone through over the last 24 hours? Guess I'll start where I left off. 

Char woke up from his nap yesterday morning to me freaking out about Anastasia's heart. I just had to be with my baby girl. He called into work and let his family know what was going on. This was my first real meltdown since she was born, (I think that worried Char). His parents offered to have the big kids spend the night with them. That allowed us to spend the night in the hospital's guest house in case she had another episode. We packed for 4 people in less than 15 minutes, then loaded up the car and headed out. It was a whirlwind of activity. 

We all drove down to the hospital with the plan of meeting Char's folks there. We got there first and I told Char to head back with Anastasia (since he's a nurse as well as Daddy) and I'd stay with the kids. Char sent me pictures and text updates while I was in the waiting room, later the cafeteria since the kids were hungry. Which is where we meet up with Char's folks.
We went back to go visit little Anastasia. They had run an ECG but couldn't get a neonatal cardiologist to read the results. However, she didn't have any more episodes. Char and his dad gave Anastasia a blessing. Then his dad got to hold her for a bit. Before they left his mom came back to see her too. They haven't seen her since a day or two after she was born. Can you believe she's doubled in weight since they last saw her? 

I held my little girl, feeling a sense of relief. I just held her, waited for answers, and knew that should something happen she wouldn't be alone. Anastasia probably doesn't think she is or even feels alone. After all, she is surrounded by other babies and at least 2 nurses constantly there. But it gave me some peace of mind if nothing else. 
After a few hours of holding her we needed to check in for the night. I found it funny we had to check in through the ER. Here are all these sick people and we're trying to get a place to sleep for the night. We checked into our room, which was tons nicer then I expected. We grabbed some dinner and went back to see Anastasia. We stayed until nearly 10 at night. 

We got up at 5:30 (hoping some answers came while we slept). Quickly got ready and went to the hospital, which was only 100 yards away. Much, much closer then a 90 minute drive. The nurses had changed all the lines connecting to the monitor in case it was a reading error. However, when Char held her the Asystole alarm went off. Everything else was fine but the monitor was showing a few seconds of a flat line, then it went away on it's own. He promptly gave her to me for cuddles. I feed and held her until it was time for rounds.
They still hadn't found a cardiologist at that time. But she does have an apnea (stops breathing) and bradycardia (her heart rate gets very low). Which is a normal preemie problem that she needs to control before she can come home. Or could be a big sign of acid reflex. Char asked if we could give her anti-acids to which the doctors said no to. 

Our nurse brought up her minor episode she had earlier in the morning. Now everyone is starting to wonder if the monitor itself has a glitch. Which is what I'm hoping for, I'd rather there be a bug in the system then a problem with her heart. 

I just got another phone call. More bad news, ( I'm starting to believe the old adage of "No news is good news"). Her eyes and heart are having issues. Let's start with her little eyes.

Anastasia now has Stage 1 ROP, Retiopathy of Prematurity. (Heard of a guy named Stevie Wonder? Well he went blind from ROP). Anastasia's isn't that bad but it means she'll need glasses. Now we have to monitor her closely from now on. To let you know how quickly this can turn to blindness, if you miss an eye appointment they will call CPS on you. 
She's still having heart issues. They have run ECHO cardiograms, ECG, and blood tests. Something electrical is off but they can't put their finger on it. They know she has a severe case of acid reflex. But more tests are needed at this point.  

This morning I slept right through my alarm! Char suddenly woke up at 6:15, woke me up and asked if I was still going down to visit or if I was feeling sick. To which I replied "Crap!!" I don't think I've gotten ready faster in my life. By 6:25 I was on the road and grateful the car had enough gas. 

Once I got there I starting doing her cares I noticed she was having retractions (which is a sign of severe breathing troubles). I asked the nurse how long she's been having them. The nurse said Anastasia didn't have retractions. I showed her and she replied "Well, she didn't have them earlier." 
The nurse grabbed the APRN and the whole scenario repeated itself. By this time Anastasia's retractions had worsened and now her respirations had increased (another sign of breathing problems). They kept saying "Well, her O2 levels are fine." I kept insisting there was a huge issue going on and wanted a chest X-ray. They resisted because of the radiation on her little body. Meanwhile her breathing got faster and retractions got worse. 

I attended rounds and brought the issue up in front of the whole care team. The doctor agreed with me and ordered a chest X-ray. The results showed that she had aspirated on her acid reflex. Now we get to wait and pray that she doesn't get aspiration pneumonia. 
We have been asking for anti-acid medication for weeks now. We believed it was the cause of her heart issues but the doctors pushed back. Now that a cardiologist thinks she's suffering from severe acid reflex AND she's aspirated they've put her on anti-acids (Prilosec). Hopefully, this will help her bradycardia. Which is what we wanted back on Monday. 

The doctors decided to put Anastasia on an Ad Lib trail. Ad Lib is where they let the baby eat whenever, however much they want. There is a slight catch, if she doesn't eat at least 143 mls (4.83 ounces) in a 12 hour period they will have to put the rest in a feeding tube. 
Early in the afternoon I noticed Anastasia was wiggling a little bit (which is an odd behavior),I told the nurse I was feeding her, to which she said she was swamped with the new admin and asked that I wait. Soon after Anastasia's heart rate shot up to the high 170's, She wasn't crying but I knew this wasn't right.I got help from a tech to warm up her bottle (they have special machines I don't know how to operate). I told the nurse again that I was going to feed her. She asked that I wait just a little longer, but too late. I was already feeding her. Right away her heart rate slowed, she stopped her weird wiggling and guzzled 55 mls (almost 2 ounces). 

I felt like Super Mom today. I'm really getting to know when something is wrong with my new baby girl, which helps me feel better about her coming home. I can tell when things are off with her. That's so empowering. 

Char thinks the NICU staff were dropping hints that Anastasia is coming home soon. Here are some examples:

--The dietitian wrote down the formula recipe on a can of formula. She also switched brands to a type that is easier to find in stores. It's made just for preemie babies (and is expensive). 
 --While preparing Anastasia's formula mixture for the day the nurse had me come over and watch how she follows the recipe. Then told me we'd be going home with this can. It's a tiny little container of formula!! I didn't believe her but Char does.

--The APRN reminded me that if we miss an eye appointment, CPS gets called. Which I thought was a random thing to bring up. Seriously, out of the blue she said that. 

--She also reminded me that Anastasia will need to see the Primary Children's cardiologist SOON after discharge. 

--Everyone keeps saying to bring in the car seat for the car seat test. I finally did but the charge nurse wants it super sanitized. I swear it could be autoclaved and it wouldn't pass her inspection. We re-washed it and re-sanitized it today and will take it back in tomorrow. 

Thursday, April 14, 2016

NICU Journey Week 9 - Insurance Woes, Daddy Visits and 4 Pounds

Anastasia's growth this week: 
Weight: 1880 Grams!! (Was 1655 Grams)
Length: 42 Centimeters  
(Was 42 Centimeters)
Age: weeks old 
(Should be 36 weeks gestation)

My friend, Valerie, used to do these "What an Average Day Looks Like" when she had 4 kids under 4 years old. I loved those posts, it amazed me what she would do in one day. I keep trying to do something like that but I always seem to lose track. But not today! I even made it into it's own post titled  An Average Visit Looks Like .... (it won't hyperlink). 
Talked with Anastasia's doctor today. Currently, she has difficult task to complete in order to come home. She needs to eat by herself for 2-3 days. It's hard because she has to remember 3 important things to do that a term baby doesn't have to even think about for the most part:
1- Suck her bottle
2- Swallow her food (without choking or aspirating) 
3- Breath normally. 
Repeat in quick succession. 
Anastasia only drinks a small portion of her bottle and then she just tires out so quickly. She's back on oxygen because she's using all of her energy to learn how to eat she forgets to breath correctly. We're praying that she gets more energy and learns to be able to do both. 

I always seem compose eloquent posts as I fall asleep but forget everything when I wake up in the morning.  I even sit and stare at my laptop and try hard to recall what my thoughts were the night before. I need to start keeping a note book on my nightstand. 

I'm full of worries today. I'm worried about her not eating, I'm worried about her liver not working properly, I'm worried about the medical bills, I'm worried about her anemia. I'm really disheartened by the fact that in a week Char goes back to work and I won't get to see Anastasia nearly as much. (Anyone want to watch Rory for me so I can visit my baby girl?) Poor Char hasn't held her in over month. 

Anyways, today I spent time with Heidi Anne; we painted, colored, even cuddled.  I even made her favorite dinner, creamy chicken and rice. I'm trying to spend some extra one on one time with her before Anastasia comes home. 

We just suffered a setback with Anastasia. she lost 2 ounces in one day. She was gaining such good weight and then lost it all in one day. We came so close to 1800 grams (which is 4 pounds) and now we're back down to 1668 grams (3 pounds 10 ounces).  4 pounds isn't just a milestone it's a landmark because so many things happen once you hit it, you maintain your body heat better, you suck better, you eat better. 

I did finish this cross stitch project for her. It fits her crib bedding nicely. Heidi Anne now wants one, too. Does anyone want a cross stitch bird or cross stitch anything? I've got to frame them still. This house will be filled with cross stitch projects. 

I talked to the doctor this morning about Anastasia's sudden weight loss. She said she wasn't concerned just yet. She told me not to worry, sometimes preemies just lose weight but then gain it back just as quickly. She said she doesn't intervene unless it's continued for over 2 days in a row. I asked what we'll do then and she told me we'll cross that bridge when we come to it. 
Today my friend Amber took Heidi Anne and her friend to church today. Thank you a million times over Amber!! I was planning on going until a migraine struck. I even had Rory in an adorable outfit all ready to go. I know I need to go to church, I could really use the support of the community. But throwing up in the pews might send the wrong message not to mention super embarrassing. There's always next week. 

I just called the nurses to see how Anastasia is doing and somehow she weighs 1810 grams now. I don't know what to believe. One night she's 1668 and the next she's 1810. That's a difference of 142 grams in one day. I'm at a loss. I guess we'll wait and see what tomorrow brings. 

Today a friend offered to watch Rory for us. This meant Char could visit Anastasia as well.  Char got to hold Anastasia for the first time in over a month and for the longest amount of time ever. She acted a little off when he held her, she kept stretching, yawning, and breathing irregularly. I almost put her back to bed instead of cuddling her. But Char told me to try first before I put her away. 
When it was my turn to hold her she calmed down and fell asleep. Char said it's because she remembers me. I'm starting to believe she knows I'm mommy. I've been worried that she doesn't know who I am exactly. I sometimes think she knows the nurses better than her own mom. But Char reminded me that she knows my voice, how I hold her, even how I smell. The way she settled once she was in my arms confirmed she feels safe with me, (if nothing else). 

I'm still trying to find the right nick name for this tiny girl. Normally I would've had two months extra to try out names and figure out her personality better. My Aunt Deb calls her Ana-Rose, which I really like, delicate yet has that tough edge to it. Char really likes Little Lady because she's always in ribbons and bows and has that feminine air about her. She is my tiny fighter, yet "Warrior Princess" is already taken...maybe it'll have to wait until she's home. 

I'm so done with the NICU roller coaster ride. The ups, downs, the holding your breath to see what happens next. The sudden weight gain the drastic weight loss. Her eating like a champ to not taking a single bottle. I'm exhausted from all the driving back and forth. Or planning on seeing her but then Sophie's Choice of which child to pay attention to. I just want her home. I want to spend time with all the kids at one time. I want to ask "Can I get off this ride yet"? But I know there are no breaks when it comes to life in the NICU. 

In the NICU there are 3 beds for 3 stages. 
First is the Giraffe, which is for your small preemie / super sick baby. 
Next is an isolette, which is for your preemie / sick baby / baby that needs a little more TLC.
Lastly is a regular open air hospital bassinet. This is for your mostly healthy to healthy baby. 

I used to think it's just a clear piece of plastic for your baby to rest in while you wait to go home. I know I never gave it a second thought, until Anastasia came along. In the NICU having a baby in a bassinet means your baby is over 1800 grams, can maintain their own body heat, it means your baby is close to going home. Today my baby was in the hospital bassinet!! 

Currently she is being feed every three hours. The doctors wanted to start feeding her on an "ad lib" schedule. Which means whenever she cries, she gets feed. The nurses advised against this step for one simple reason. Anastasia doesn't cry. She could be starving but will be just patiently waiting for them, wide-eyed and alert. The nurses know she's starving due to how quickly she downs her bottle. The doctor choose to wait a few more days and then we'll see about changing to ad lib feedings.

I found out that Anastasia has 2 hernias. Both are due to her prematurity and she could outgrow them. We're going to take the "wait and see" approach for now. However, it can pop up again once she's grown and pregnant. I thought it was funny how she's still in the NICU and the doctors are already worried about her health once she gets pregnant. I'm worried about her health right now.

Speaking of health everyone at rounds voiced their opinion of taking her to crowded areas. It was a resounding "Don't!!".  Apparently, 8 or less is okay-ish but more then that is considered a crowd until this time next year.

Today was a lovely scare. The insurance liaison called saying she received a message stating that Anastasia isn't covered by our insurance. My heart (and stomach) dropped. Apparently, there was an insurance oversight and they forgot to add her. They say she should be covered from birth forward. But she should've been added well over a month ago. Sigh. Pray the insurance gets this worked out, because we're at half a million right now.