I donno what to do, I feel like my feelings are not important. I try to fit in with my new family but it seems like any time I talk to anyone in my new family they are only talking about themselves. I feel that no matter what I choose to do or say people take offence with it. I feel that I was never wanted around in the beginning and I am still not wanted in this family. I went looking at others blogs of those I am related to and only one mentions the fact they have a brother or that they have a niece, (she’s the one who lives far away and who we rarely get to see). It is almost as if we don't exist to them. I am worried about Char; he has mentioned to me many times how he is the black sheep in his family. He says he feels like he has never fit in with anyone in his family, he doesn't run races, he says he feels he isn't smart like everyone is they have like super advanced degrees, and he is barely slipping by. He feels like he tries to talk to his sisters about what interests them and is genuinely interested, but he feels that no one is interested in the things he is doing, his dreams, wants, and needs. He has mentioned many times how he feels no one will let him grow up.
I have seen this; people seem to like bringing up all the terrible horrible things about his past, and rubs his nose in it. I catch him looking upset about it more and more, it breaks my heart how mean people can be to him. It feels like no matter what he does it is not good enough for his family, he graduated really early and is working a job no one could very well. He got married in the temple, has an adorable baby girl, and is going to graduate school soon. What more can he do to make them proud of him? Why does he balk at going down? He feels no one cares about him and his feelings. I worry about him so much. I am hesitant to go down as well because, like him, I feel like an outsider, tolerated but not accepted. I am sorry I am rambling but this past week has been so hard for him, it is like a confirmation of all his fears that next to no one in his family cares for him and his new family. I try defending him because he is so afraid of becoming what everyone brings up about him, that he is a monster and he beats his sisters up, or he chases them with knifes. He won’t defend himself against what people say, because, to him he is a monster and has every right to be hated.
I don't know what to say--only to give you my far away perspective.
ReplyDelete--People most always like talking about themselves (this holds true for in person talk and blogs (mine is actually just a work/career blog, with very little mention of family))
--When people are worried about offending someone with different political or religious beliefs they will most often try to avoid bringing anything controversial up, which can make conversation strained and seem to dwell on unimportant things. I make a commitment not to discuss politics and other personal beliefs with people I like and know have different beliefs, it just makes my life more peaceful. It doesn't mean I don't care what they think on a number of things, I just don't want to discuss anything resembling an "issue." I don't want to try to convince them they are wrong, because I respect their right to believe what ever they want to, but also because the LAST thing I want is to hear about how what I believe is wrong.
--Almost no one is interested in the minutea of hobbies and interests they don't share, this I can attest to from personal experience. It doesn't make me enjoy them less, just talk about them less often with my family.
--Growing up and gaining self confidence is tough, but usually both take personal effort. Family members may never see you as "grown up" until well after the fact, that is kind of one of the universal facts of families. Don't let what other people do and say impact what you feel about yourself. (I've lots of personal experience with this, so I know it is easier said than done!)
In the end, my advice is to work on feeling better about yourselves apart from any extended family drama. Once you and Char feel more self confident about yourselves you wont feel like other people are doing things or taking away things from you. If I made decisions based on what family wanted for me, I'd still be miserable in my phd program, feeling about as dumb as a rock.
Any way, those are my rambling thoughts, take them or leave them, but know that I do wish you both the best.