NICU Journey Week 7 - Her First Bottle, Easter and Visits!!

Anastasia's growth this week: 
Weight: 1459 Grams!! (Was 1315 Grams)
Length: 41 Centimeters  (Was 39 Centimeters)
Age: 7 weeks old (Should be 34 weeks gestation)






Good Friday
Today was a down day. The cameras have been turned off until the new system is put in, (which is months or years away). For the last 7 weeks I have watched Anastasia grow up on the webcam. I've logged in at least 2-3 times to watch her cares. I've called and had the nurses move her blanket so I can see her sleeping. I'd just stare at the screen and watch those little sleep smiles, making sure she's nicely nested. I've watched her get baths, her little daily routine is what my routine centered around.

Now I feel lost. I feel disconnected from her. My updates from the nurses are just "She's doing good." When I watched on camera, I could tell when they changed her hair bows out, watch them play with her curly black hair. Those little things are not passed during reports. Now, I don't get to hear about it. Don't get me wrong, I am thrilled she is doing extremely well. But I love knowing those little details, as well. 

We did put her crib together, sheets and all today. I keep staring at the crib that's all ready for her to be put to bed in. It reminds me she'll be home someday soon. I just pray it's before her due date. I'm hoping she'll come home at 36 weeks. That's the hope anyways. At least I get to see her tomorrow, finally. 

Saturday
After 10 days of missing her I finally got to see Anastasia! I cannot tell you how hard it is to be apart from your sick little baby girl for over a week. I was fever free but I still had a cough, therefore, I wore a mask to err on the side of caution. She really could do without a cough in my opinion. 

Anastasia got to meet her Aunt Sarah today. Sarah got to hold her and talk to her, play with her little curly head of hair. Sarah made a cute blanket that can double as an isolette cover until she's released from the hospital. It's super cute. Then Sarah watched Rory while we had our meeting. 

 After 30 days in the hospital the care team likes to hold a meeting with the parents to update them on their child(ren). It's pretty much an in depth rounds meeting. Our meeting was around day 47. (Close enough). Despite all the challenges she's faced, Anastasia is doing surprisingly well. The discussion was basically, "Had issues with eyes, resolved. Had issues with her first brain scan, has since resolved. Had issues with oxygen, currently on room air. Had issues with feedings, now tolerates feeds."

The new part of the discussion centered around what steps she needs to complete to be discharged. She needs to:
1) Maintain her own body temperature (which she can't currently do.) 
2) Eat all of her food by mouth for 2-3 days (she's never had any food by mouth in her life).
3) Weigh around 4 pounds. (This is the unofficial standard). 

After the meeting Char and Sarah went to go see Anastasia and tell her bye. Char was going to hold her but she looked comfortable and sleeping in her little nest, he couldn't disturb her. Afterwords, Sarah took us to lunch. 

Later; Sarah, Millie, and I went to our churches' meeting for women. It was very inspiring. I don't normally go but everything with Anastasia has made me see little miracles every day. I mean look at our care meeting, nearly all the complications they predicted she's overcome. This tiny preemie in the first 7 weeks of life has overcome more obstacles then some people may face in their whole life. Yet, here she is by the grace of God. 
   
It was also fun to spend time with Sarah and Millie while the kiddos got to spend time with Grandma. It was like a girls night out. 

Easter Sunday
Rory didn't know it was Easter Sunday, nor that the egg hunt wasn't until the afternoon but he got up at like 5:30 am. Heidi Anne woke me up rather abruptly to let me know he was up. I made a bottle and tried to leave the room. However, every time I got close to the door he would start to cry. Which is sweet except for that early in the morning. Later my mother in law offered to watch him so I could go back and sleep -- I tried but I was up for the day. Boo.

I did get to see all 3 of my babies today, twice in a row which is a rarity. I look forward to where everyday I have all 3 children home with me. Anyways, after Rory went down for his morning nap I headed to the hospital to visit Anastasia. I got all the way to the interstate before I realized I had the Rory's car-seat, which my in laws needed. (I blame the early morning wake up call). 

When I got to the hospital (once again I put on a mask to be safe) I just sat and watched her sleep for a little bit. I miss watching her sleep. Today she had her first bottle ever! She eat a whole 8 milliliters (about 1.5 teaspoons), which is great for her first time. She ate like a champ. It was amazing to be able to feed her for the first time. Getting to do more then just watch or hold her, but actually nurture her. Like I'm helping her to grow up. Not just standing on the sidelines but participating in her growing up. 

They'll try once or twice a shift from now on to get her to eat. It depends entirely on her cues. Which are; rooting, sucking on her binki, sucking on her hand, being awake and alert. We're praying she gets the hang of this bottle thing. It's one of the things she needs to accomplish to come home.

I went back to my in laws house where everyone (minus Char and Uncle Zack) gathered for an Easter Egg Hunt and Easter dinner. I think the kids had a lot of fun with the egg hunt, you could barely contain Heidi Anne, she was so excited. Sadly, I forgot to get some pictures. 

Monday
I am exhausted. I drove so much over the weekend and did more actives than we normally do. I was going to visit Anastasia today but the roads are nasty. I hate how the weather impacts my visits. But Rory wants cuddles today and is teething. Maybe it's a good thing I'm home today. I know I've said it before, but this balancing thing is just difficult. I pray every day that no one I know ever has to be torn between children or be far away from their newborn baby. It takes nearly everything out of me emotionally, it's just draining. 

Everyday you second guess if you spent time with the right child that day. Who needed you more and were you there for them? Some days I just cry or feel totally lost I can't do anything. I wish I knew in advance, "Rory is teething on Wednesday and he'll need you more." Or "Anastasia will be super alert on Monday and that would be the best time to spend with her."  But life isn't that way. I just pray, cross my fingers and hope I picked the right baby that day. 

Tuesday
I loved my visit and her nurse today! The nurse did most of her cares before I got there, that way I could spend as much time as possible holding Anastasia. She noticed in the chart we're from Wyoming and knew how special our visits must be. 

Nurse Becky saved one thing for me to do for Anastasia and that was feeding time. Anastasia was showing all the signs that she was willing to take a bottle, she was rooting around and sucking on her binki. Lastly, she was very alert, looking all around and was awake longer then I've ever seen. Nurse Becky said this behavior should become more and more common as the weeks roll on. 

I loved getting to feed her a bottle, she ate 25 mls  (nearly an ounce) in under 15 minutes. It was amazing, that's almost her whole feeding, which is slowly fed via the NG tube over 90 minutes. The nurse was kind enough to a picture of us as I held her in my arms feeding her. (Even though she was swamped she knew this was a big event for me). I know one day I'll be feeding her 8-10 bottles a day (if not more) but right now seeing her, much less feeding her, happens so infrequently. 

It was a perfect visit. After I feed her we cuddled for the longest time. I sang songs to her as she got comfortable on me. I sang until she fell asleep on me. Then I enjoyed our precious time together. While Anastasia slept she held my finger with her whole hand. It's like she's becoming more like a term baby as each day passes. I'm amazed at how fast she is growing up.

For some unknown reason leaving her today was especially hard. I wanted to turn around as soon as the NICU doors closed behind me. I don't know if it's because I got to feed her today or how she held my finger so tightly with her tiny hand that I had to pry them free. Maybe it was because she was just waking up as I was leaving? Perhaps it's that I want to have this type of visit every time. 

Wednesday
The plan was to go visit her but I forgot Char was on call today. Guess what? He got called in. I'm glad I got to see her yesterday. Funny story, I almost didn't go. I had one of the most wonderful visits and it nearly didn't happen. It was all due to weather. I drove in white out conditions going a whole 45 miles in an 80 MPH zone. It took over 90 minutes to get there and just as long back. But it was totally worth it. I might be able to see her tomorrow, plus it should be in better weather! 

Thursday

I had a lovely visit today. I spent nearly 6 hours with her. I got to feed her a bottle again. This time was much slower, 8 mls in 20 minutes. According to the nurse she just doesn't have enough fat to have plump lips and chubby cheeks to suck efficiently. I'm not sure if I believe that one, but it does make sense. Look at this little face. This was my view for 4 hours. 

We upped her feeding, she'll now get 27 mls (of 28 calories now) in 60 minutes. She didn't react as well as I thought she would. She was fussy for the first time. No matter what position I held her, it was wrong. I felt helpless, I kept asking the nurse for reassurance that I was doing things right. She determined that she might be reacting to the faster feeding, so she slowed it down. Anastasia soon settled down after that. But for those 30 minutes I questioned everything I knew and have learned as a parent. It's hard when your baby is upset, meanwhile there are alarms sounding or beeping, and you second guess yourself. It was just so overwhelming!  

Getting to visit this baby girl isn't easy. It requires planning the day before, it depends on the the weather, and then how Rory is acting the day of the visit. (The fussier he is the shorter the visit tends to be). Then comes the drive. It's an hour in good weather and nearly two in bad. Today it was nighttime that turned into white out conditions on my way down - since I left home at 6:00am. The way back was filled with rain, sleet, snow, hail, fog, and even sunshine (pretty much every weather condition there can be in 2 hours). But look at this sweet face. Isn't she worth the wait?