Eight Months in A Nut Shell

I haven't really shared this, but we had lost four pregnancies before we had Heidi Anne. After she was born were told that I had suffered some trauma. That trauma combined with my ill health would make getting and staying pregnant again nearly impossible.When we got married we wanted to have 2-3 children. However, after all the losses, we we thrilled to just have her. We quickly came to terms that we were going to be an only child family.

Yeap, Third Test and Still Pregnant. 

Travel back to June 2014 with me. Char was in nursing school full time, working full time, studying full time, and sleeping sparingly. Our apartment lacks A/C, so when I kept getting sick I blamed the heat. Even when I was 2 weeks late, I still blamed the heat. (Of course, Char knew better the day I was late). Finally, I caved and took the test. It was positive, as you can see, I was in shock, fear, excited, and surprised more than anything.

Hello, Gummy Bear Baby!

Towards the end of July we had the first OB appointment. I was 7 weeks along. We saw that little gummy bear sized baby. The anxiety increased by the second as they started to look for the baby's heartbeat. I was holding my breath the whole time until I heard that strong beat, First words out of my mouth were "Thank Heavens!"

At 19 Weeks Along

Then came the unrelenting "morning" sickness. I was constantly sick (pretty much until the day the baby was born).The slightest off putting smell made me sick. Things I liked, I couldn't stand anymore. For example, bananas, Normally I LOVE them. I love Banana Nut Muffins, bread, frozen bananas. Not anymore. Char helped with the cooking, when he was home, otherwise it was the same 5 meals or sandwiches.

Around week 15 it only got worse. Heartburn got thrown into the mix. It was rather frustrating to have heartburn when I didn't feel sick. It was a nightmare to suffer from both simultaneously. Sometimes eating was the furthest thing from my mind. One day I said to Heidi (half joking), "Tell me to eat something." Her response? "Momma, eat something or else the baby WILL DIE and Daddad will be SAD and CRY."--I did eat some crackers after that one.

At 28 Weeks Along

In late September I found my saving grace - EGG NOG!! How I craved it! Bonus it was the ONLY thing I could drink that didn't make me sick nor gave me heartburn! I was so lucky a majority of my pregnancy was during the holidays. I had at least a quart a day (if not more) of egg nog. I was so disappointed in early January when my ample supply vanished. 

The Look of Disappointment

We found out at 20 weeks we found out the baby was a boy. When we reveled this to Heidi Anne she said "NO Daddy, you're wrong! It's going to be a little sister, I want and have prayed for a baby sister. We told her "Sunshine, the doctor says it's a boy." "They're wrong!" she cried out. Then she came to me and said "Momma, I want you to find a new doctor, one that says it's a girl!  Eventually, she came to terms with having a little brother. 

At 35.5 Weeks Along

Around 30 weeks, I was in a car accident, which triggered contractions. I got to stay in the hospital for 24 hours for observation. The plus side, I got a trail run of how my delivery would go. The down side? The Braxton-Hicks contracts never stopped. They stayed around 3 per hour - for 6 weeks. What made them finally stop? Our little guy decided he wanted out. He was born a month premature at 36.3 weeks along. Oddly enough, the exact same gestation age as Heidi Anne. However, the arrival of this new little one is another story. 



P.S This is the last picture of me pregnant, my water broke 5 days later! 

My Letter To Baby at 12 Weeks

Hey Stormy,
Well that's your name for now, Stormageddon Dark Lord of All, Stormy for short. I can't wait to know your personality more - and your gender will help. You've only been here a few weeks and I hope you take after your sister (who is thrilled to be a big sister) and you are strong and stubborn.
    You maybe little but you have already changed a few things. First would be bananas. Normally I LOVE them.  I love Banana Nut Muffins, bread, frozen bananas, even the smell of bananas. Well Stormy, apparently you LOATH them. Just the thought of banana's gets to me.
      I feel like this is my first pregnancy. It's been nearly 6 years since I was pregnant last. I have nearly forgotten everything. I didn't track, blog, or properly write down anything when I had your sister. I have nothing to referrer back to. Well, let's not make the same mistake twice. 

P.S- 
Dear Rowan,
Can you say EPIC FAIL? I DID make that mistake again! 
Sorry kiddo.

Special Secret / Secret Sorrow

**NOTE - I wrote this the day I found out I was pregnant with Rowan, but I just didn't have the courage to post. However, I wish I had posted it back then and it's still a good read.**

Knowing your pregnant can be a special secret that only you and maybe the father know. It's fun knowing something is growing in you. As soon as you see that little positive sign on that test you start to wonder. Are you a boy or girl? Will you have brown eye like me or blue like your dad? Will you have those adorable dimples like your sister? Will you have brown hair or blonde?  What will your first word be?  

As a mom I already dream about skinned knees you'll have. I think of all the fun you'll have with your cousins. How cute you'll look with your sister in pictures and how she will whine that you've stolen her toys. How you will hit her and she will tell you "Use your feeling words, don't bite." How she will show you off one minute and can't stand you the next. Knowing full well you'll do the same to her. I think of how much fun you'll have with your cousins.

I know full well of the sleepless nights, the teething, the fevers, the coughs. You'll spit-up on my clothes three minutes to heading out the door. You'll go though diapers faster than I think it's possible for such a tiny person to be able to do. You'll cry during your baths, because the bottle is to slow, because I'm not cuddling you the right way, because I dared to put you down when you finally get to sleep and I NEED a shower. 

Why do many moms kept it quite until 12 weeks? We've lost a baby ( or 2, or 3) or know that we can lose you. We know that no one else feels the loss the same way mommy does. Daddy can be a close second. We're depressed. Some family or friends may notice. If we're really lucky (and I mean like extremely lucky) we may have a few close friends or sisters who've been in our shoes. They offer the right support. They let you cry. They acknowledge the loss. Those special friends / sisters who avoid saying all those well meaning but horrible at the time sounding things. 

You keep it quite because you don't want to hear...

"Well, you're young" or "You are getting old."

Who cares about my age, I just lost my baby and all those hopes and dreams. Thanks for reminding me of my age it just adds insult to injury.

"You'll have more."

Yes, I'm sure I will. But honestly, getting pregnant again is the furthest thing from my mind right now. 

"I knew a lady who had several miscarriages and she went on to have six kids." 

I'm happy for her, but right now, please recognize my loss. 

"It wasn't around very long. It was hardly the size of a Gold Fish. It didn't even have a personality or a name."

It was going to have a name (for some moms the baby already did have one). But there in lays in my sorrow. I didn't get to spend enough time with my baby. 

"Your baby is in heaven. You'll see them again."

Thanks for thinking they're in heaven. But right now I would rather still be pregnant and holding my baby in 6 or 7 months. Not after I'm dead. 

"Science says that nearly all miscarriages are the result of genetic abnormalities so carrying the baby to term won't happen." 

Thanks for that, I read many studies trying to find out why, why, why on earth I lost my baby. Yet hearing that out loud right now seems cold.

From reading this I bet you think "So I can't say anything right?" Sure you can. Just let us cry a little. Understand that it's the same as losing a family member. I knew a girl that lost her baby. She told us she was crying a little at work and didn't want to go through slew of things I wrote above. So she lied a little and told us that there was a death in her family. People gave condolences, hugs, just that support you give. Treat us like that. Pretend it's our third cousin twice removed if it helps you. 

Trust me, you treating it like our baby was a person outside of us, is all we want. You wouldn't tell someone "Oh, you lost your third cousin twice removed, well you're still young."